As the weeks go by and I figure out how I am going to recover from not writing for 6 weeks, the topics in my head get deeper in thought and more touchy to talk about. So I guess I will cut the crap and start off where I said I would, my face picking. The other day I posted a picture on Instagram of myself at the gym, captioning it with "I am motivated, dedicated, hard working, and I am not a quitter." One of my friends, Joy Jones for those of you who know her, said that I inspire her. I replied with a thanks. But what I should have said is, no Joy, you inspire me. What she doesn't know is that my problem isn't with food or lack of motivation to workout, in fact it's quite the opposite. The feeling of being hungry and hearing my stomach growl is a problem for me, obsessively going to the gym is another; some might say I'm borderline anorexic. Well, my point is that I don't have the problem she has. I have different ones. One of them is picking at my face. I destroy my beautiful skin. I pick until I see blood. It's quite disgusting, and I have lost hours upon hours standing in front of the mirror. (don't judge me!) You know when someone gives you good advice or something that touches you so much that it is engraved in your mind? Well, in one sermon the Pastor from South Valley Church in Lemoore, Jeff, said: "We tend to judge others by the sins that we don't struggle with." I absolutely used to do that. I can't believe that someone could eat and eat and make themselves feel so full and uncomfortable for a temporary satisfaction. Even though I do the same thing but in a different way. Another thing that Joy said that I laughed at because she is so dang funny was, "the next time you see me you better call me out if I'm still fat." While hilarious, it took real courage to put herself out there like that. Her determination and humiliation is all out on the table and that was something I had never done. Most people think I have pimples or just bad skin. On the contrary, I hardly have any pimples at all. It's like when anorexic girls think they're fat, I look at myself in the mirror and think I have pimples. I dig at anything on my face... Even if there is nothing there. I don't know why I do it, when it started or even when it got serious but I do know that it's something that really bothers me and with it comes a lot of regret. I decided to go to the psychologist for this one specific problem, but when I started to talk about my picking problem, it lead to talking about other things. I was always against going to the psychologist because I felt like it was against my religion. Why do I need someone to help me when I have the help of the One and Almighty!? It turns out the psychologist has done nothing more for me in my few sessions than confirm that The Bible is the truth, and for me to be released of all my problems, I have to be truthful and lay it all out on the table just like my brave friend Joy does day in and day out. It isn't so easy to be honest. Our deepest darkest secrets sometimes are so embarrassing that the humiliation is frightening. But if I have learned anything from my recent explosive relationship with God through Prayer it's that I am mad. I am mad because my dishonesty creates tension within myself. This tension gets wrongly aimed at the people I love the most. It's sickening. The entire Bible is amazing, of course, but a few scriptures changed my mind frame completely, they've changed my heart. Some are your traditional verses and some aren't, but for me they are all life changing. I would love to share these scriptures with you especially since its Jesus' Birthday on Wednesday, and after, the awful pictures of my skin picking. (so get prepared to be changed and also grossed out)
For me, this one hits home. The common denominator in all my problems is me. The problems I have are caused within myself, and not what happens around me. (I'm sure you've heard that a billion times, but it never fails to repeat something that you tend to ignore.)
James 4:1-2 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.
So go check yourself before blaming others!!
The next one is similar.
Proverbs 14:29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly
Listen, anyone can act irrationally, and most do. It takes a great person to not get offended, forgive, not get mad and take things in in a calmly manner. A great person that I have yet to become. I am still working on being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry as James 1:19 says.
Maybe because I struggle with anger, and get annoyed with everything that anyone does wrong I can relate and truly understand what God is telling me. These verses have changed my life. I was so angry and miserable that I yelled at anyone who crossed my path while I was texting. Stupid a**hole made me look up to see where I was walking, ughhhh what a jerk! (sounds crazy huh... yeah huge wake up call for me)
So the last one, and really the scripture that I feel I can change the heart of most materialistic people with is...
2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
I will never forget the words my brother carved in my heart. "One day.. all of this will be dust." Not even when the world is gone. It'll happen before that. One day your iPhone, your house, the car that you want soooo badly will all be destroyed. All of it. But your soul won't be. There is something about that alone that touches your heart. You cannot ignore reality, and once you realize that this scripture is nothing but the truth shown to you right in front of your eye, you can't change your heart. God says your heart will deceive you more than anything else ever will. That change my friend, is what I call being reborn!
Now time for my creepy scab pictures.... dun dun dunnnnnnnnn...
Before Starting my plan of action
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3
Diego said that I have makeup on in this last picture. News falsh buddy! I don't! the swelling and redness has gone away from not picking. Woo hoo!!!
Ok I will end with a few pictures of my sweet little boy!
And if you don't write before Christmas, who am I kidding? We all know I won't, Merry Christmas!
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