I am going to fit all of the million things that I had in my head into one blog, I have a feeling that it is going to be a very long rant.
Let's start out with a bang! The Piccione family is moving. 6,000 miles away. Different culture than what I have been in for the past 4 years, and what my boys have been in for their whole lives. Benji doesn't really grasp the whole concept, some days he wants to go to Grandma's house and other days he doesn't want to go. Yesterday I asked him if he knew why he sees Daddy's family all the time but not mommy's family. His answer was spot on, he said because he can't go on a plane alone until he is bigger. So he understands that my family lives far away, so far that he needs to go in a plane. I didn't think he knew because last week he asked my brother to come pick him up. This was heart breaking for me to hear. I would love for that to happen but it just couldn't. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that this type of heart break has to happen to either me or Diego. I don't want it to be me but I am the kind of person that would rather get hurt than to see someone suffer. I know my heart could handle it. It really breaks my heart to have to take Diego away from his family. One idea that helped me cope with this was someone telling me that our family is no longer what it used to me. It converts into our children and one day grandchildren from what we had with our Parents and Grandparents. This is certainly a long process that we have already started but it still hurts. Diego and I were fortunate enough to have both sides of our grandparents present in our lives and to not be able to offer that same blessing to our kids is really sad. The good thing is that nowadays the technology allows us to have a relationship that wasn't possible before. I really hope and believe that these advances in technology are really going to be important for our family.
Going back to what I said about preferring to be hurt than to watch someone suffer, I might not always come off that way but I truly feel this way. When I started going to the psychologist I went because of one problem, my face picking. I thought it was an anxiety issue that I needed to deal with. However, when I went it was barely the topic of conversation. One thing that was always the focus and stuck in my head was the misdirection towards selfishness. The main topic was always ME, ME, ME. I needed to focus on me and worry about what I needed first in order to be happy with the people around me. I have always tried to please everyone else before myself. This is a good and bad thing. I am definitely here on earth to please only one person, but that person is not me. I see everywhere, on twitter, facebook, instagram, etc., all kinds of sayings that promote selfishness and it is driving me crazy. Whenever I see these saying or e-cards or whatever it may be, I try to think of a positive yet counteridea of what it states. Sayings like, "I have to do whatever is best for me," which sounds good at first, no one wants to do something bad for them. Although, sometimes whatever is best for us involves stomping on other people in order to get there, which is not good. I am not willing to do things that make me happy if it means hurting other people. I actually think that ''doing what's best for you" is usually the wrong thing to do. I truly believe that putting others people's happiness before your own is not just nice but necessary. People nowadays think of this world as a dog eat dog world and it is destroying us as human beings. We need to start changing our mind frames and start thinking that while I focus on others, God will focus on me. Proverbs 11:25. Have you ever been in such a sad or bad mood and then bought a little girl on the street something so simple and cheap as socks. (haha really specific, I know and I don't want to brag but I did this one day) It turns your frown upside down. Your attitude really changes by making someone else happy. That day I was happier than that little girl was, I guarantee it. Selfishness does not lead to happiness. What you say and what you do to others is so incredibly important to your happiness. Holding grudges, treating people like crap, being hateful and envious are all lead to a sad life. Encouraging, praising, and complimenting are so much less heard and felt than bashing, gossiping, and criticizing are. It makes me sad and I want to change that in every person I come across. Starting with friends and family.
Therefore dear friends and family, I am talking to YOU! I thought encouragement and praise were headed my way.
I really like what I do, teaching. It is such a gratifying job to see someone learn something new. I always thought since I was a little girl that this is what I was meant to do, but for some reason my heart is being pushed in a different direction. I still want to help and educate children but in a life, moral, godly way. What better way to do that than to become a social worker. When I shared this news with people, and not just random people but people I loved, I was shot down. I got back comments like, "you want to do that," "you won't like it," "it is a really demanding job," and "be prepared to be miserable." Not one comment was positive. That was so disappointing to me. I had imagined a whole different kind of feedback. More than disappointing for me, it is disappointing that this is what people think of social work. Like I said before, people care more about themselves than what others need. People feel like helping the people that probably need it most isn't rewarding because they will suck the life out of you. As if their ungrateful, negative ways will rub off on me. I know it is a hard thing to do but we really have to stop judging and understand that everyone is fighting their own battle. (this is an e-card saying that I am sure you have heard or seen more than once)
One of the main reasons my eyes and heart have been opened and I started to love all types of people was due to a little girl named Beth Thomas. You can look her story up on YouTube under "Child of rage." (and please do!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2-Re_Fl_L4) Beth, like many children, didn't have the best of parents. She wasn't held, hugged or kissed, or cared for in any way as a child. She was never loved by anyone. I can't imagine what it feels like not to feel genuine love. I was so fortunate to have not only one parent but a whole family of more than 20 people love me unconditionally. A family that guided me in the right direction. There are kids that never had that. Yet, we blame them for not loving or caring about anything even though it is something they have never seen or been taught. How can we expect to see something from someone that they have never heard or seen of before in their life? These kids are not bad kids. Period. When they get older they are not bad people. PERIOD. They don't know the difference between right and wrong because they have never been taught it. In fact, it might be too late for them to learn it. People think things are common sense and their not. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is not something automatically built into everyone of us, it is something that is learned. It is not our job as a society to discipline these children. It is our job to show them love. No where in the Bible does it say, Discipline others. It says love others. No doubt these children need discipline, to be geared in the right direction, but these things need to be put in the hands of God, not you. Pray for them. These type of people don't need more bashing and criticism. They need encouragement and praise, even when they don't deserve it. And I have the heart to give it to them. They are stuck in a horrible vicious cycle that I thank God everyday for not being in. I am so incredibly blessed to be educated and have the capacity to understand the difference between right and wrong. A lot of people take that for granted. In fact, it is more rewarding for me to be able to educated the educated on this topic. To open up the hearts of others more than these children. It is easier to enter an empty heart than a hardened heart.
Even though I am leaving this country. I know that I was brought here to have my heart changed. I have seen here through the poverty of this country that life is cruel. It is not fair. No one deserves to be born into a vicious cycle. I don't hate the people who robbed me like I thought I would. They are my enemy but I pray for them. If it happens again next week I will give them the shirt off my back. I don't need it. My goal with this blog is that my friends and family will feel the same.
I have soo much more I want to say but I will stop rambling on and save it for another blog.
God Bless you. Enjoy the pictures of my beautiful children! (there is one sonogram picture)
Proverbs 11:25 A generous person will prosper; Whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.
Love Gods promises!!
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